“I don’t know what to do,” Sally said. “Lucy (a coworker) says she’s going to show me things, but then she does them without getting me first.”
“Do you think she’s doing it in a mean way, as if she doesn’t want you to learn?”
“No. When I catch her in middle of doing them, she’s really nice and explains everything, but that doesn’t happen often,” Sally said.
“From what you’re telling me about this person, and from what you’ve told me before, it sounds like she simply cannot wait when she feels she needs to do something. It could be an OCD-type of thing, where she starts to have anxiety whenever there is something holding her back from what she feels needs to be done immediately. You told me the other day that she didn’t wait for you so you two could go to a meeting together, but she kept telling you to come with her now.”
“That’s right,” Sally said.
“Well, if this person has skills that you need to be taught and she simply cannot wait for you, or even get you when she’s on her way to do them, you just have to keep an eye on her and be there when they happen — you have to keep catching her in the act, so to speak,” I said.
“So I have to stalk her?” Lucy asked. “Instead of doing what I should be doing, I have to keep one eye on her?”
“Exactly,” I said. “I don’t see any other way. Just think of this like this: she is a plane that you simply must be on when it leaves. Unfortunately, this plane has no schedule. It is going to take off at some point but nobody knows when. The only thing to do it sit on the plane and wait.
“But most importantly,” I continued, “you have to stop talking about, ‘the way things are supposed to be,’ or, ‘what she should do,’ and just deal with the way things are. By talking about what should be, you don’t improve the situation and merely get yourself frustrated and upset. Many folks we have to deal with have certain quirks. We can either refuse to deal with their quirks because we think they are foolish or we can take it as a challenge — we can try to understand what makes them tick so we can make the relationship work.”
This ability to “figure folks out” is a key element of what makes us human. In fact, one of the main things that separates us from other animals is our ability to navigate complex social dynamics and, specifically, interpret or decipher intent in others. Animals may have to figure out if something moving in the forest wants to eat them, but it’s much harder to determine if the person being nice you at work is really trying to get you fired behind your back. So if your job means anything to you, it’s quite important your interpersonal skills are honed.
And if the stakes are high, the quirks that warrant tolerance are equally high. If low, we can have a little less patience for idiosyncrasies. Former Dallas Cowboys Coach Jimmy Johnson once said if star quarterback Troy Aikman fell asleep in a meeting, he’d gently nudge him awake; whereas if a third-stringer did it, he’s likely throw him out of the room and off the team.
So start with accepting the reality of what makes people tick, then, considering the importance of the relationship, determine how much you must indulge their proclivities. Above all, get what you need to be successful, no matter how silly you have to act to make it happen. Know when an opportunity is in front of you and be on that plane, even if you have to stalk it.
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