“How did it go?”
“Besides awkward, you mean? It wasn’t good.”
A few days ago, my husband Dan and one of his colleagues held a “Come to Jesus Meeting” (CTJM) with a staff member (I’ll call her Molly). Her work had been slipping to the point where critical mistakes were being made on a daily basis — not something that’s generally tolerated in the financial sector.
For those who haven’t heard the term, a CTJM is a confrontation in which hard truths are delivered and an employee is being given one last chance to turn things around before harsh action is taken (i.e., shape up or ship out). A person who has been summoned to one of these meetings should accept responsibility for his or her poor performance, absorb the constructive criticism, and start applying it immediately. And, truth be told, he should express gratitude for the opportunity to have a second chance.
This is not what happened at Dan’s meeting. Not at all. Molly was incredulous when she was made aware of her subpar efforts and became defensive. When that tactic didn’t work (Dan and his colleague had several examples of her errors), she shut down. She said nothing and went back to her desk until it was time to leave.
“That’s so tough,” I said, trying to put myself in Dan’s shoes. But since I know that Molly has two young children, I also put myself into her shoes, and pleaded with Dan to have sympathy for her.
“I do,” he said. “That’s why we had the meeting. Otherwise she would already be gone.”
I believed him, because Dan has always been a compassionate person, but becoming a parent has made him even more so. Knowing that someone has two children to support (as Dan and I do) makes him a little more willing to give second chances and to provide leeway for things like sick days and doctor’s appointments.
It reminded me of a brilliant insight delivered by Bobbie Byrne, MD, in the latest segment of our Women In IT Leadership podcast series: “One day,” she said, “I’m going to write a book that says, ‘Everything I learned as a manager I learned by being a parent first.’” Byrne, who is system VP and CIO at Edward Elmhurst Healthcare, believes many of the lessons learned while parenting can be applied in management, like being able to juggle multiple priorities, using techniques like distraction, and managing difficult personalities (which is a nice way of saying tantrums).
I couldn’t agree more.
Taking a page out of Bobbie’s future book, I told Dan that maybe Molly’s reaction was caused by embarrassment, and that once she had a chance to cool down, she might see things more clearly. I thought of the many times my very spirited daughter has thrown a fit, then changed her tune and agreed to whatever horrible rule I was trying to enforce (like, for instance, my refusal to let her wear slippers outside in the 10-degree weather). Even Scarlett, who is 2 going on 13, will eventually understand that perhaps she may have been quick to judgment.
Surely an adult would do the same, right?
Wrong. Unfortunately, my husband’s coworker came into the work the next day just as angry as the previous day, and with a strong belief that she had been wronged. But instead of trying to plead her case in a rational matter, she chose to shut down, which according to a Forbes piece, is a surefire way to exacerbate the situation. The article provided 5 steps for avoiding CTJMs, one of which is to embrace — not run away from — conflict, even if it’s uncomfortable.
But for reasons unknown to me, Molly wasn’t willing or able to face the music and learn what she could do to right the ship. And while I never want to see anyone lose a job — especially a fellow mom — I also know that at some point, people need to take responsibility for their actions.
Being a parent has taught me that.
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