“It was really strange. He just called me and started asking how I was, and it had nothing to do with work,” said a former coworker of mine many years ago.
“Really? What did he ask you?” I said.
“Well, he asked how I was feeling, but it was very uncomfortable. I was standing on line at the grocery store with my husband, it was around 7 PM, and I had a hard time explaining the call. I didn’t understand it myself,” she said.
In the above scenario, the guy making the call reported to the woman who took it. By my estimation, he was simply looking to ingratiate himself with his boss, but had clearly crossed a line. It is one thing to ask how a coworker is doing while at work, it is another to make what is clearly a personal call after working hours.
But these are not hard and fast rules, and often what is acceptable varies depending on the exact positions of those involved (does one report to the other or are they on equal footing), how long have they known each other (what is the pre-existing relationship) and what is the tolerance/inclination of each to get personal? Tricky stuff.
As leaders, we sometimes find those who report to us in situations of personal crises that, often, are communicated to us only because they impact the employee’s performance, or even presence — my point being that they may not have chosen to share, but been forced by circumstances to share. If they could, many would prefer to keep things private. That is quite important to remember.
Most solid leaders, many reading this column, care deeply about their workers and want to do everything possible to help, but here I suggest you tread lightly, giving what you can but not making yourself part of the family. For no matter how much want to be, you are not, unless, of course, invited. And then it may be you who finds the level of intimacy a bridge too far, a relationship too close.
So how to conduct oneself when dealing with an employee in crisis? Give what it is in your power to give: complete removal of job stress. Here is a line from an email I have written in the past:
“Please do not let work figure into your stresses right now. We’ll take care of everything until you come back.”
That is something I can do, something a family member cannot. I am playing my part to the best of my ability, but I am being careful not to mistake that part for another. I am not, unless asked, the shoulder to cry on, and if I insinuate myself into that role, it will only give the person I am trying to help more stress, for they may be less than comfortable asking “the boss” to back off.
Perhaps the best guidance in these situations is to follow the Hippocratic Oath: do what you can to alleviate the strain and pain but, above all, do no harm.
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