The Discussion We Can’t Avoid

It was HIMSS week in Las Vegas, and I was having breakfast at the Grand Lux Café with Nancy when my phone rang. It was my sister.

“Dad’s having bad stomach pain, and I’m going to take him to the ER,” she said.

Here we go again, I thought.

As a quick background, I will tell you that during the past 30 years my father has had multiple heart bypass surgeries and one AAA (abdominal aortic aneurysm) rupture that nearly killed him. As such, his innards are held together (definitely) with staples and (perhaps) with duct tape. The AAA specifically left him with a stomach bulging all over with hernias. It wasn’t pretty, but most trips to the doctor found they presented no real danger. That was, until last year when the twisting and turning of one of those intestinal loops became so knotted it was obstructed. Within about 48 hours of entering the ER with vomiting and stomach pain, he was in surgery, and the following three days saw him fighting for his life on a breathing machine, narrowly making it back to health after a long stint in rehab.

So when I got the call referenced above, I assumed he’d wind up back in surgery, and I felt very strongly that he wasn’t going to come out. After I got back from Las Vegas, I went straight from the airport to the hospital and learned we had about four days until his operation. With my mind firmly expecting the worst I, naturally, wanted clarify some issues that would need to be addressed if the worst did, in fact, happen. And so I had to get some information, to ask some questions. In a nutshell, though I would have rather ignored the implications of what I thought was coming, I had to take care of business.

Now, in many families that have not been visited by divorce, things are quite simple, but my parents became so about 15 years ago, and my father has lived with his girlfriend for at least the last 10. I needed to know a lot of things, such as:

• What do you have?
• Where is it specifically? Institutions? Account numbers? Phone numbers? Insurance? Banking? Brokerage? Real estate?
• How do you want this stuff divided? “I don’t really care. I just want to know.”
• Where do you want your wake? Where do you want your funeral (church)? Where do you want to be buried?
• Does everyone else know, directly from you, that the information you’ve given me is what you want? I don’t want to be the one communicating this stuff for the first time.

When I received the answer to one of my questions: “I’m sure you guys can figure it out.” I quickly retorted: “Dad – that’s exactly what I don’t want to happen. I want to know what YOU want. People ‘working things out’ only works when they agree. What if there is a disagreement? Do you want everyone fighting?” He quickly appreciated my point and continued giving me answers.

I got it all down on paper.

“Now Dad, Sally is coming over here later, right?” I asked, referring to his girlfriend. “I want you to take out this piece of paper and go over it with her, and I want you to let me know if she is OK with everything.”

The following day I came back to the hospital and asked him how she’d reacted.

“She’s fine with everything” he said.

At the same time, I’d shown the piece of paper to my sister and gotten her approval and understanding. Although not as good as a notarized document or formal will, I’d made a lot of progress. I knew the things I needed to know and all the relevant parties were on the same page. It was something.

Though I received very kind words about making these inquiries from my mother and sister, I was just trying to get ahead of things. I have heard more than once that the most important thing you can leave your family when you go is clarity — they will have enough to worry about, and grieve about, when you pass on.

But my message to you today is that not everyone gets their affairs in order before their time. My father is a great guy, but buttoning up his will and wishes didn’t seem to be in his DNA. And so I had to nudge, I had to probe, I had to ask. He took the questions well and never got irritated, and so that made things a lot easier. But, remember, even if you have to deal with some push back, push to get the information you need before it’s too late. And if your loved one gives you a hard time, perhaps let them know you’re just taking care of business, and that they probably taught you to do so.