Mommy Manager and Me

“Here we go again,” I thought to myself. I had just come across a blog about a new phenomenon called “mommy manager” syndrome, and I was fully expecting a piece that generalized female managers and painted them in a negative light.

I was all set to fire off a Twitter tirade lambasting the article (and yes, you can unleash a tirade in 140 characters or less) — until I read it. I only made it to the second paragraph before realizing something: mommy managers do, in fact, exist.

And they exhibit a few distinct characteristics, the first of which, according to Judith Sherven, PhD, author of the blog (and yes, a woman) is overprotective loyalty to the team. “When executives see the need to reorganize a division or the entire company such that it will disrupt, divide, or even dissolve elements of a team’s current functioning, the Mommy Manager’s first impulse is to jump to the defense of their team.”

When a read that, a light bulb went on. Several years ago, while working for a publishing company, I was offered the opportunity to transfer to another department to accept a more senior-level editor position, which I gladly accepted. The problem is that the editor-in-chief of that particular publication wanted to fill the spot herself, with someone her entire team approved of (because, as we all know, that’s a likely scenario). She felt I was being forced on her, and did nothing to hide those feelings.

Looking back, I’m sure her intentions were good; she saw her staff as a well-oiled machine, and she didn’t want anything to interfere with that. But once it became clear that she was getting an editor—with several years’ experience, mind you — she should have welcomed me to the team, and encouraged her staff to do the same. The only thing she accomplished by giving me a chilly reception was to alienate me. And while she eventually warmed up to me, the feeling was never mutual.

Another sign of mommy manager syndrome, according to Dr. Sherven, is insistence on team collaboration at the expense of personal leadership. Another light bulb. While at that same job, I came up with an idea for a contest to recruit pharmacist bloggers. I outlined a plan and presented it to my editor, who told me she loved it, then promptly decided — to my shock and dismay — that all four editors would share the project. Instead of having one person solicit entries, review them, and choose a winner, we would divide everything up, and hold frequent meetings to discuss our findings. When I told her privately that I wanted to take the project and run with it, she told me I needed to be a team player.

Don’t get me wrong — I’m all for teamwork, but I also believe that if someone develops an idea that he or she is willing and able to carry out, they should be given that chance.

Finally, rather than call out poor performances, a mommy manager “indulges the impulse to jump in and do the work that properly belongs to people on her team,” wrote Dr. Sherven. Rather than insisting on specific criteria for acceptable performance, “the Mommy Manager rolls up her sleeves and works alongside her team members.” There is no critical feedback; just a lot of hand-holding.

This type of manager (notice I didn’t write ‘leader’) is always concerned about hurting feelings or being perceived as bossy. As a result, she devalues her own leadership by routinely behaving in ways that are overly “nice” and “extra helpful,” Dr. Sherven noted.

Only it isn’t helpful — at all. And that’s the problem with mommy managers. They might be trying to help, but all they do is hurt the staff members they care so much about by holding them back.

On the other hand, there are leaders who aren’t afraid to dish out a little tough love; who do whatever it takes to help their staff members reach their full potential — provided they’re willing to put in the hard work. While a mommy manager keeps the bar nice and low, a good leader will continue to raise it, pushing his or her staff to do their best. Luckily I’ve had this type of boss as well, and it’s been a great experience each time.

Of course, I still find the term “mommy manager” to be offensive and sexist, and in fact, I would argue that someone who exhibits this type of behavior isn’t being a mommy. She (or he) is a micromanager who is scared to let her team members fail — or succeed, for that matter.