When Doubt Creeps In

Ever have those days as a leader where you question your ability to lead? For me, today is one of those days. I simply don’t feel like leading. I don’t feel like representing myself as the visionary, mission-driven face of my department or organization. Feelings like this are not new to me. I have suffered from these thoughts before. The difference for me today is that I know these feelings shall pass, and I don’t have to react to them.

In the past, I would have just abandoned my day. I would have talked myself right into thinking that I needed a change and that I needed to dust off the old resume and move onto something I was more suited for. Obviously leading was not my calling, my brain would tell me. Thank God today I can actually acknowledge the root of my negative thoughts and walk through them. For me, this negative thinking was a result of sleep deprivation resulting in heightened sensitivity.

You see, my team and I just came off a long weekend where we upgraded our clinical computer system. Upgrades like this take hours and impact every caregiver in our hospital. Rarely do they go off without a snag, and this one was no exception. The weekend activities required me to be awake for 25 hours straight. My purpose of being onsite during this upgrade was not to lead my troops; the leader in this event, my Project Manager was doing a stellar job. My purpose was to support my team who had put in lots of hours getting ready for this event. Everyone on my team was suffering today from a lack of “weekend time.”

On this Monday morning, we were all still feeling the residual effects of the weekend and dealing with minor issues related to the system upgrade. This was evident when I walked into the office of one my people to discuss an issue. The conversation ended in a very defensive way. This was not typical. We strive very hard to live by our core values of honesty, accountability, respect, and teamwork. This conversation violated at least two of those values.

As I walked back to my office the feeling overwhelmed me: “I simply don’t feel like leading today.” I was tired, my staff was tired, and rallying the battle cry was simply not in me. This is where the self-talk kicks in. I reminded myself that feelings are feelings and they are not facts. I needed to eat some lunch and just unplug for a half hour. I don’t get to choose when I want to lead. This is my assignment, and I did not accept it conditionally, namely when I “felt” like it. I accepted this assignment to lead in all conditions.

The best solution I have found for making it through these times is to acknowledge them and to be transparent with those around me. Now, that does not mean that I run out and tell all my people, ‘today, I do not feel like being your leader.’ What it means to me is to let those I most trust know that I am not in a good space today. It means not dusting off my resume or surfing LinkedIn. It means focusing on the tasks at hand until I am able to refocus on the bigger picture.

For me, building a culture of mutual trust and respect from those I lead requires me to push through. It requires me to stop thinking about myself and to focus on others. So today I will lead despite myself and I will do it by suiting up and showing up, regardless of how I feel. That is what leaders do. I am sure that there are times in every great leader’s life where he would rather retreat then charge, and for that, I am comforted to know I am not alone.

[This piece was originally published on Culture Infusion, a blog created by CIOs Chris Walden and Bill Rieger. Follow their blog on Twitter at @C_infusion.]