“I’ll try,” wrote my father, in what is a typical response from him when I announce he’s got an imminent opportunity to see his grandsons.
It was last Friday, super snow day in the Northeast, and, with Tyler’s school closed and the Nanny snowed in, I was home with the little ones. After a few hours, by which time the roads were in pretty good shape, I was ready to break out at all costs. I called my sister and urged her to come up. Because she still had to shovel out, she suggested I come down by her.
“Hmmm,” I said peering at my little ones throwing Legos around the room. “I think I just might do that.”
“Will be at Lisa’s from about 2-4,” I texted my father. “Come by.”
And sure enough, around 2:30 we heard a ding dong at the door.
“Grampa Richard!” Parker yelled as my Dad walked in, displaying the response we have always worked to elicit in our family. And, make no mistake, having a close-knit family is work. Sometimes, when you want to sit on the couch, you have to get up and go. Sometimes, when it’s easier to skip the get-together, you have to remember what you’re getting together for — to build a bond that can only be created through familiarity.
I got to thinking about the importance of this bond recently when emailing with an industry professional — someone, who simply by the warmth and genuineness of her personality, I would consider more than a colleague, perhaps a friend. Someone you know only through the most cursory of interactions, yet you’d be quite happy sitting next to at a long dinner.
It was announced in the news that this friend was switching roles, and so I sent a congratulatory email, to which I received a surprising response.
“Thank you for your message. Things were going well at my last company, but I had to make a change because my 2 little boys are starting to slide away from me … I have been completely away from their lives for the last 4 years and, if I do the same for the next 3-4 years, I’ll lose them permanently.”
“Thank God she’s making this change,” I thought. “Thank God for her, thank God for those little boys. Thank God for everyone concerned.”
We’ve all heard it before: when the end is near, when we think of tombstone copy, nobody researches how much they increased the stock price of Widgets Incorporated during their tenure. Nobody fact-checks how much they cut costs by moving manufacturing offshore. It’s the ones we love most who we think of, either with satisfaction that we’ve fulfilled our obligations or the bitterest of all regret … our excessive absence from them.
And that is the bottom line: the worst, most painful emotion is regret, and I believe the worst flavor of that emotion is not being there for a loved one, especially a child, who, when older, must battle to correct a misguided course that we could have helped avert. Young children do not care about money, they do not care about having the best toys, but they sure as heck care if mommy and daddy are around, for children, perceptively, equate presence with love, with concern. Words mean nothing to them. Are you around or not? Familiarity breeds love, confidence and strength; while absence breeds doubt and insecurity. “Why don’t they want to be around me?” is the unspoken thought that lingers in the background of their minds.
Mama Corleone had it wrong (From The Godfather, Part II):
Michael: “Tell me something, Ma. What did Papa think — deep in his heart? He was being strong — strong for his family. But by being strong for his family — could he — lose it?”
Mama: “You’re thinking about your wife — about the baby you lost. But you and your wife can always have another baby.”
Michael: “No, I meant — lose his family.”
Mama: “But you can never lose your family.”
Michael: “Times are changing.”
In this respect, though, times have never changed. You absolutely can lose your family, and it happens to someone every single day. The antidote is presence, whether it be in respect to a child or employee.
When it comes to those employees, are you devoting the time necessary to develop them? Are you giving them access to your thought processes? Are you meeting with them? Are you letting them sit in on important meetings, round with you, observe your interactions with other executives? This is actually an even easier process for you than explicit instruction, for they will learn far more by observation than lecture, they will pick up important points that you would never have realized were worthy of inclusion in a lesson.
We have all heard the old joke that you’re halfway to success simply by showing up. As with most expressions, there is a significant grain of truth in this. With those to whom you owe the greatest amount of inspiration, know that there is no substitute for your presence, that the greatest gift you can give them is your precious time. And remember that it’s never too late to start rectifying your absence by making a simple promise right now — that you’ll really, really try to start being there.
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