“The little one is starting to cry when we talk about it,” said Dave, a guy I’ve gotten to know quite well from working out together at the gym.
The little one is his 10-year old son, not to be confused with his 12-year old boy. Dave is a retired NYC police officer about to put his house on the market so he can move the family down to South Carolina, where he figures they’ll get more bang for his pension buck. He wants to go, and his wife wants to go, but the kids are balking, especially “the little one.”
“That’s rough,” I said, shaking my head. It really bothers me when I know a kid is hurting. And I can imagine that, as a 10-year old, having to leave everything and everyone (except your immediate family) that you’ve ever known is like a sapling getting ripped out of the ground — roots and all.
After thinking for a few seconds, I said. “Hey Dave, why don’t you read up on it. I’m sure there are books and articles out there about how best to handle this with the kids.”
“You know, you’re right,” he said with a smile.
“Yeah well, I’m just returning the favor buddy,” I noted.
And I surely was. You see, I’d been struggling with being the best parent I could be to my two little wild ones — Tyler, age 7, and Parker, age 5. I love the heck out of those kids, but was constantly losing my patience, unable to understand why they wouldn’t just listen to me and do what they were told. After yelling, I’d feel terrible, racked with guilt, and pretty sure they’d someday ship me off to the discount nursing home at the first sign of a sniffle. I was frustrated and, while at the gym, started to talking to Dave about it.
“You can’t yell all the time,” he said. “I used to be like that too, but then I started reading about it. I’ve probably read a few dozen books on everything from parenting to marriage, and they’ve changed my life.”
Intrigued, I asked for a few recommendations, bought and downloaded them on the spot (sometimes you gotta love technology) and, later that day, dove in. Amazingly, or perhaps not, I learned best practices for things I’d been struggling with for years. I was even able to concretely implement one of them a few weeks later. And do you know what? It worked.
“Wish I’d read that a decade ago,” I thought.
But I hadn’t met Dave a decade ago and, if I did, I might not have heard his message. When folks like Dave connect with people, it’s similar to the effect large planets have on a passing comet as it hurls through space. Most folks constitute small bodies (think the moon) that nary effect your path but, every once in a while, you pass a Jupiter, and its gravitational pull alters your trajectory. Now, mind you, the large body in question can either have a positive or negative effect. If you think back, you’ll certainly be able to name people who’ve had both types of influence on your life.
Dave reminded me that I don’t have to figure out everything on my own. In fact, when we struggle with important problems for years, we should get the hint that we can’t figure everything out on our own. And, even if we could, the effort isn’t worth the results — he reminded me that it’s critical to take advantage of life’s CliffsNotes that exist for just about everything.
So whether you are struggling with personal issues — such as parenting, marriage or friendships — or professional ones — difficult boss or coworkers, changing careers or leadership issues — know that really smart people have not only studied it, but arrived at some sound advice. Then take to that Internet thing and Google it. What you find could quickly change everything.
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