“I knew I had to be calm. The stress was really getting to Joe, and I can tell he was nervous.”
My friend Rhonda poured us each a glass of wine as she related the story of how she and her husband had to take their 18-month-old son Sebastian to the ER. The little guy had a fever and was holding his stomach, which prompted them to take him to the pediatrician. And when his doctor — who is hesitant to recommend tests or prescribe medication unless absolutely necessary — told them he needed to go to the hospital, Rhonda and Joe were understandably concerned.
But while Joe has always been the one to maintain an even keel (something that came in handy when Sebastian was a colicky infant), this time he was visibly upset, and my friend knew she had to step in and take control of the situation. She calmly packed the diaper bag and instructed her husband to sit in the backseat with their son while she drove to the hospital.
“It was so strange,” she told me. “I was like some instinct just kicked in.”
I knew exactly what she meant, as just a few days earlier, my two-year-old son Austin fell down a few stairs — while eating a snack — and I went into panic mode. My husband, who was getting ready to leave for work, swooped in and picked him up, making sure he was okay. After we determined that Austin was fine, I remember thinking, “Why did I react like that? What if Dan hadn’t been there?”
But then it occurred to me that the reason I lacked grace under pressure was because Dan was there. I knew that I had a safety net; I had backup. For every situation like the one described above, there have been many other times when my survival skills kicked in and I held it together — because I knew I had to. During the entire ordeal I went through with the birth of my twins — which included several trips to the hospital and eventually an emergency C-section — I never panicked, because it just wasn’t an option. My babies needed me; I was the safety net.
In my marriage, and in my friend’s marriage, there’s an understanding of when each person has to be the rock (or at least pretend to be), and when they have permission to lose their cool. And to me, that’s the mark of a great team.
When a team member knows he or she has backup, it gives a sense of security and trust in the knowledge that ‘I don’t always have to be perfect. I can falter, and the whole house of cards won’t fall down.’ And for the one who provides the backup, it offers a boost of confidence, and shows just how strong the individual is, as well as the team.
It’s the feeling of, ‘I can do this. We can do this.’
That, to me, is the ultimate safety net.
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